Let’s face it. Our students’ parents pretty much have PTSD by the time these kids are in high school. They’ve spent the last 15 years or so gulping down lungfuls of air between ocean waves, and they’re more or less exhausted.

For a lot of families, the ugly reality that their soon-to-be-adult children aren’t likely to be fully independent in the usual sense of the word is sinking in. For a lot of families, the fear that their mentally ill (or otherwise struggling) young adult child might very well end up homeless, in jail, or worse is beginning to crystalize. For a lot of families, the questions of “How far can I go?” and “How far SHOULD I go?” to help an almost-adult navigate life at the expense of one’s own sanity are becoming daily philosophical debates.

Our students’ parents, in a lot of cases, are starting to feel “done.” I’ve sat in some meetings over the years with my colleagues, and I’ve been as guilty as anyone else of caving in to the temptation to blame the parents. To be fair, sometimes the blame is (at least somewhat) justified. But just as often, when I really look at the situation in total honesty, I know that I’m dealing with some worn-out people who have done the best they could with the kid they got and the energy reserves they have; sometimes keeping the peace trumps teaching the lesson, especially at home. I feel burned out by 3:30pm, and I get to go home and try to forget about their kids for 15 hours or so.

There are plenty of “best practice” family standards you already know if you’ve been a special education teacher for a while. I’ll avoid restating information that should be common sense or that gets covered over and over again in staff development.

So…in the interest of fostering better family relationships, here are a few tips you may not have already heard:

1. Before you schedule an IEP meeting, make your first call to the parents. Do it at least a month before the meeting needs to take place. Get several dates and times lined up that fit the parents’ work schedules, THEN have the rest of the team choose from those options. It burns me up when schools adopt a “do it on my time” attitude. A lot of my students’ parents are hourly workers, and being inconsiderate of their time is a financial hardship. I respect that.
2. Don’t drop a data bomb on the parents at the meeting. If I know I’m going to be sharing some tough information, I give the parents a preview over the phone, or–better yet–over Skype or Facetime, including the options the team will likely present at the IEP meeting, especially if those options include a change of placement, such as to a district program or special day school. I think at least a week of processing time is fair if the news is going to be hard to hear. I also like to make sure I send a digital link to my state’s Parental Rights packet at this stage of the game, so parents have time to read it and formulate questions.
3. Personally meet parents and walk them to the meeting room….even if they already know the building. It’ll give you time to feel out their mood about the meeting and to build some rapport and keep them at ease. If a parent is new to your building, it’s just good manners to help them avoid wandering around lost. Don’t underestimate the power of having some manners. This can be a good time to talk about parental rights informally before making the “Do you know your rights” statement legally required at the meeting.
4. Make sure your parent isn’t the last one in the room. Walking into a space filled with staff and taking the last remaining seat is intimidating and disempowering and sets a tense tone. I like to make sure the parent and I are the FIRST in the room. I let the parent choose his/her seat. It’s the same philosophy I employ with kids; allowing appropriate choices and giving “power” in appropriate ways.
5. Sit next to the parent. I am a right-handed person, so I sit to the right of the parent. That way, when I’m writing or navigating on my laptop, my body is still “open” to the person (my left hand stays either in my lap or on the table). If you can, use a round table or a conference table with seating all around. Avoid having a “row” of staff seated across from the parent. I choose to sit immediately to the parent’s right so that he/she feels like I am his/her “ally” in the meeting. It sets a collaborative tone.
6. Use the laptop and media screen to project the IEP onto a screen during the meeting (if your school permits it). I don’t like using paper copies of the draft IEP for a number of reasons. It wastes paper. The copies have to be appropriately disposed of. It feels like a “completed” process when it’s printed on paper, rather than like a “work in progress” that’s still open for collaboration. Paper copies also discourage eye contact and communication among members of the team. Using the screen forces participants to look up to see the IEP…and, in the process, one another. Projecting a draft also allows changes to the formal document to be made right there, on the spot, where everyone can see the changes as they occur. It removes a lot of “fight” and puts families at ease and helps them feel like their contributions really are being reflected in the document.
7. You probably already know this, but avoid acronyms and abbreviations. Make sure you explain all trade-specific terms without being condescending. If I went to see an accountant, I’d be mad if she spewed a bunch of accountant-talk at me. Schools have a lot of trade-specific language, and it isn’t realistic to think families will understand all the finer points of it without some explanation and definition.
8. Print out the finished copy of the IEP and put it into the parents’ hands before they leave the school. I don’t like the idea of “I’ll send it home with Mary by the end of the week” or “I’ll mail it to you.” Sending the parent home with the completed document takes the task off your plate, allows the parent to feel some closure on the meeting, and keeps the whole team energized. It’s worth that trip to the printer/copy room and takes the “When will I get a copy?” question off the table.

I’m hoping you were able to pick up a couple of new tricks to use to help meetings go better for families…and for you!