I don’t know a lot of teachers (or people in any other line of work) who particularly enjoy the sound of an alarm clock going off at 5:30am on a Monday morning, heralding in the new work week like a screeching choir of harpies. However, the EDBD teacher’s Monday is a special circle of Hell, located somewhere in the basement of the school (usually adjacent to a locker room).

The EDBD teacher experiences all the malaise of her colleagues Upstairs, plus a healthy (unhealthy…?) dose of feral anxiety. Every Monday, my para and I look one another in the eyes, whip out our Coke machine money, and place quick bets on which kid has gone unmedicated all weekend. FYI…she usually wins, and victory tastes like Sprite.

We feel stress and angst over the behavior of other people over whom we have no control…but over whom we feel we SHOULD have control. This sense of responsibility is ridiculous. It is misplaced. We logically know that our students’ outbursts, rants, and tantrums are neither caused by us nor within our control to stop…but we still feel that sick sensation in our stomachs when an administrator or colleague walks by and sees the ugly wreck of it all. I’ve talked to my therapist about it a LOT; I still feel like it’s “my fault” when one of the kids in class has a Major Monday Meltdown.

I’m really lucky. I work in a school where everybody seems to “get it.” My administrators smile, wave, and grimace reassuringly when they see one of my young friends rolling around on the floor screaming “FUCK YOU, BITCH!” at a volume that could cause paint to peel off the wall. The gen ed teachers close their doors quietly, then give me a supportive pat on the shoulder in the copy room. In a way, their professionalism and decency make me feel worse. How can I let down such lovely and understanding people? How can I let these distractions happen in their school? Why can’t I fix this?

And it’s always worse on a Monday.