My school starts final exams tomorrow, and the natives have been suitably restless as a combination of pre-Winter Break angst/excitement, disrupted classroom routines, and exam nerves have percolated into a vicious stew of new and interesting behaviors. Gag reel highlights include:

• A 20-minute-long walk at 7:40am with a student who couldn’t stay awake in class and who, in some bizarre attempt to engage in a power struggle with me, refused to acknowledge that small amounts of caffeine and/or physical movement help people feel more awake.
• A two-hour rampage from another angry youth that found its way into the main office foyer where the string orchestra was performing for staff…and was being recorded to share with families. Ultimate photobomb!
• A near-nervous breakdown in the Library from a young person experiencing test anxiety. The student literally curled into a ball and refused to let our social worker help because (and I quote directly from Kim, who got to enjoy this party solo) “She [the social worker] can die in a hole. I hate her. She’s a bitch.”
• A series of e-mail repartees from anxious parents who fervently hope that a Christmas miracle will occur and their students will magically raise a 6.8% semester average to an 80% or better by tomorrow. I wanted to tell them that Easter wasn’t until spring; nothing rises from the dead at Christmas.
• A sexual harassment incident between two students. Nobody enjoyed this one very much.
• A lengthy voicemail at 6:00am from an upset parent.
• Tantrums
• Burned-out staff. Jenny and I bought the paras movie tickets as holiday gifts. They probably deserve a vacation in Maui, but I can’t afford it since I’m still trying to bankroll materials out of pocket.
• Colleagues who e-mail me repeatedly to “just come see them” when I have questions about their finals. Seriously. I’d love to…but I’m trapped in a room with six teenagers high on candy canes and stress and can’t leave.
• Finding the ONE STALL in our school bathrooms that was out of toilet paper. Our custodian is da bomb. This never happens. I don’t even want to talk about it.

I’m back in the box wine again.

I shared my spring final exam with you last May. If you are following the E2E class structure, you should be able to make a few changes to my exam for your group and be good to go. Seriously. Like you need another %$&*ing thing to do right now, am I right? ich meine, I seriously ate 16 Jolly ranchers today. Life is messed up enough.

On a more practical note…let’s talk about how you can accommodate student final exams to help your behavior kids (and you) survive the experience. Weil, sadly, neither you nor your students can drink box wine at school.

You probably already know most of this, but Box Wine and I love to kick a dead horse!

1. Wenn du kannst, stagger the kids’ final exams (have them take some early) so they won’t take more than one core academic test on the same day. Allow students to come in early or leave early if your admins will allow it.
2. Break down longer sections of tests. I accommodated an English 11 final last week. The teacher had a word bank of 20 words that had to be matched to their definitions. I broke it down into smaller sections of 5 words/definitions. I apply variations of this strategy frequently; it prevents a lot of spazzing out.
3. Allow students to take sections of the test on separate days for longer exams. Only give them the section they have to do that day, and don’t let them see the rest.
4. For “read the text and answer the questions” passages on a final exam, highlight pertinent information for the student.
5. THIS ONE IS MY BEST ONE! Instead of doing a traditional read-aloud accommodation, record yourself reading the test and provide students with the MP3 file and headphones. They can stop and start your voice and replay sections at will…and you won’t lose your damn mind reading tests out loud all day. Everybody wins!
6. Schedule “herd breaks” during long exams. I refer to these as “duckling walks” (the kids love it!). We all stop, get up, and take a brisk constitutional before going back in for Round 2.
7. Act as the kids’ prefrontal cortex. You can hammer home lessons on executive function next semester. Final exam week is Survival Mode. Remind kids to go to the bathroom, eat breakfast, drink water, sharpen pencils…pretty much everything up to and including blinking.

What else am I missing? Does anybody have hot tips I missed? Post in the comments…

And may the odds be ever in your favor!